I don't think he truly loves me as I view love. I don't know if he knows what love is. I think that is the most terrible thing for me. He does not have that capability. But he has to. He loves his children. I don't know. When I need him to embrace me, he can't. It hurts to my core. I don't know how much longer I can take the hurt. I feel like I have done everything I am capable of to make him happy. He doesn't know what he needs. He just needs some one to take care of him. I have to have something in return. I don't know that I can keep doing this. The thing I hate about this is I love him with every part of my being. I love him. Why should I have to leave. Because he can't love me? Because he can't love me like I need. I want him, I need him. But for me to leave would be saying I don't want him. I don't need him. But to stay would say I am okay with being treated like I am. A part of me is dying when I am not loved. A part of me desperately wants to be loved. Truly loved. I need it.

Why am I married to this guy?

I do want to be in this marriage, because I do feel that he loves me. But, I also feel he's here because of what he has. Not that it is alot, but he wouldn't have it if he was on his own. I truly feel he would be on his own if he wasn't so afraid. I'm not afraid, but I love being loved. He doesn't love me like that. Sometimes it is way too much for me to bear. Right now it is. I need someone that absolutely loves me. Doesn't pull away when I touch them.

The best thing we did when we married was to have these beautiful children. I want to do the best for them. I really worry about finances if we were to divorce. I've asked him for a divorce. Now he doesn't want it. I do. I feel like I deserve to be loved. I deserve to have someone hold me.