I want more in my life.

I want for someone to be able to show me how much they love me. I want a man in my life that will tell me how much hey love me.

I don't think Ray is capable of loving me the way I need to be loved. I don't think he has the capacity to understand. I think I ask alot more of him than he is able to give.

I think I need. It is hard not to always need. It is hard to push it back and be happy the way things are. I haven't worn my wedding rings in so long. I am actually glad. I am actually proud I have held myself back. Those are things that are so important to me. But, not until I can feel the way I think I need to will I put them back on.

I would feel such a rush of relief if he left. I would feel so glad that my life with him was through. I just don't want the girls to live without both parents. If I am through with him I don't want anything to do with him. I don't want to be his friend. I wanted to be his wife. I wanted things to be different. I need to come to realize that they won't be different. This is what I have. I shouldn't have been stupid and rushed into our marriage. I really shouldn't have.

I'm okay with being alone at this point. It is how I want to be. Alone. Just me. And the girls.

If Ray needs to be Ray, then I need to be alone. I really, really want things to change. I really, really, don't want to have anything else to do with him. I am so sorry I ever got involved with him. I am so sorry I was a fool. I am so sorry.

I don't want to stay with him and have him tell me again that he hasn't been happy. I don't want to listen to him tell me that he hasn't loved me. I don't want to love someone that doesn't love me.

He can hurt me more than anyone. I don't want to be hurt anymore.

I love him, but I have to protect me. I have to. I have to protect me. He won't do it. He just wants to be there to rescue. Not to love.

I don't think he truly loves me as I view love. I don't know if he knows what love is. I think that is the most terrible thing for me. He does not have that capability. But he has to. He loves his children. I don't know. When I need him to embrace me, he can't. It hurts to my core. I don't know how much longer I can take the hurt. I feel like I have done everything I am capable of to make him happy. He doesn't know what he needs. He just needs some one to take care of him. I have to have something in return. I don't know that I can keep doing this. The thing I hate about this is I love him with every part of my being. I love him. Why should I have to leave. Because he can't love me? Because he can't love me like I need. I want him, I need him. But for me to leave would be saying I don't want him. I don't need him. But to stay would say I am okay with being treated like I am. A part of me is dying when I am not loved. A part of me desperately wants to be loved. Truly loved. I need it.

Why am I married to this guy?

I do want to be in this marriage, because I do feel that he loves me. But, I also feel he's here because of what he has. Not that it is alot, but he wouldn't have it if he was on his own. I truly feel he would be on his own if he wasn't so afraid. I'm not afraid, but I love being loved. He doesn't love me like that. Sometimes it is way too much for me to bear. Right now it is. I need someone that absolutely loves me. Doesn't pull away when I touch them.

The best thing we did when we married was to have these beautiful children. I want to do the best for them. I really worry about finances if we were to divorce. I've asked him for a divorce. Now he doesn't want it. I do. I feel like I deserve to be loved. I deserve to have someone hold me.

I am exhausted. It is 5:20 a.m. and there has been a six car pile-up on the turnpike. They are supposed to be bringing me a body. I've been waiting since 4:30 a.m. Hopefully it will be soon.

I don't know what to do with my marriage. Ray is so confusing. Right now I could use Leland's love and attention he gives me. Ray does not seem to get it. He claims I am too needy. I have always needed him to reaffirm that he loves me. He will hardly do it. I can get nothing from him that says he wants to be in this relationship. I always get, what do you think, or why would you say that. Drives me bananas. I don't know what to do.

Everything is going pretty well. Mackenzie had a bad day at school. Mad because everyone is being too loud. I told her she needed to walk home after school. I'll have to call her to see if she does.

Abigail did well going to school this morning, and Tasia supposedly is almost done with her schoolwork for the week. Shelby Rae is doing well. Her tummy was upset this morning, but she said she is feeling better. She did say she has a headache though.

There is a basketball game tonight. I would like to go but I don't know if we will be able to. It doesn't start till 8 p.m.

Ray is doing so much better. I hope it stays this way. I really think it is just so much fun for him. He loves me being jealous.

Hello. I am back. It is alot harder than I thought to get on here routinely. I guess I don't spend very much time, by myself on the computer. I've always got other people around me, and I cannot write personal thoughts in that enviroment.

I am having a pretty boring day. Actually, it's not too bad. I am waiting for the medical examiner to come in and sign a death certificate and then at 4:30 p.m. I am taking Ray up to Chelsea with me to take a casket and wait on a family.

Ray has actually been pretty descent to me. I don't know why. He is so mysterious sometimes. And he drives me crazy. It just absolutely would kill him to be vocal about loving me.

That is what is so different about him and Leland. Leland is forever telling me how much he loves me. I crave it so much. Ray does not understand at all that it is something I need. I have to constantly be reassured of his love. It wears Ray out. In a way I think he would be just fine not hearing it. He thinks he would, but I think he would really miss it.

I am so proud of myself for actually getting on here and writing.

I am going to mess around on the internet for awhile. Bye!

I can't get rid of this cold, allergies, what ever it is. It is consuming me.

Jan. 7, 2006

Today is starting out to be a pretty good day. I am looking forward to it staying calm and hopefully getting some things accomplished. Shelby has a basketball game this afternoon, and is excited about Christie and Norma taking her to get new basketball shoes. Hopefully we can do something with the girls this afternoon. We'll see.

Ray seems to be better, but who knows. We are still married as of today, we'll see what tomorrow brings. He really needs to figure out what he wants. I'm getting tired of waiting.